a couple New Year’s tears

[originally posted on january 5th, 2015]

As I said before, I love New Years.  I love the call to celebrate.  A handful of friends and I got together to celebrate.

We spent the night eating pigs in a blanket, so many cookies, and tons of chips and salsa.  We watched scandalous NYC performers on tv while halfway covering our eyes.  We talked about crushes and futures and life.  We played catch phrase and did sparklers barefoot outside.  We prayed together for the year before we went to bed.

It was tender.  That’s a #stopwhitegirls2k15 word for sure, but that is the only word that describes how sweet it was to me.  My heart easily filled and overflowed as I loved and loved and loved.

Needless to say, I was in tears before I made it out of the neighborhood, leaving Columbia to come back home.  I could literally feel my heart breaking as I considered a day without these friends, or without the types of friendship that I have now.  Maybe it was more like my heart was tearing – torn between so deeply craving the community that I have and weeping over the day that this season will be over.

I dread that day.  I dread ever having to leave these people.  I dread going separate ways and growing apart and having to deal with the repercussions of changing times.  I sound like a drama queen because I am, but I desperately loathe having to call these days over.

It’s so funny how friendships wax and wane.  How, one day, I call her and him my friend, while the next day, it’s them and her and him over there.  The people that I thought I’d never lose – I did.  I guess that’s how it’s supposed to go.  Not that I’m supposed to end all of my friendships periodically, but that in different seasons, the heart yearns for different things.

There is something deeply rooted in the friendships that we create, especially those special ones that we know are sent straight from the Lord himself.  There is something deep, deep, deep in those relationships that send you weeping at the thought of conclusion.  There is something in that pursuit – that continual commitment to tough it out, even in seasons of depression or loneliness or other friends put first or busyness or seasons better spent with some distance.  There is something there worth fighting for.

My prayer for myself is that I would see the beauty in the flowers that grow around me.  That I would see my friends as exactly that – mine.  My heart smiles at the sheer thought that the Lord would send some people my way for me to love on and grow with.  Community is such a special thing and it used to be something I could care less about.  But it is so necessary and so, so beautiful.

I’m not sure what I wanted these words to be about.  I feel that I often talk about community and about clutching these times.  But with every passing day, I fear that I am holding them too loosely and that I am missing the sweet things in it all.  I fear giving too few hugs and letting too many days go and not writing enough thank you cards.  I shiver at the thought of watching the times pass.

I guess that’s one of my goals for the year.  I’m not really a “resolution” person, but I do think that we should establish goals.  Overarching-ly, my goals are to 1. celebrate more, 2. love deeper, and 3. be brave.  Amidst that, one thing that I seek to accomplish to declutter my life (my possessions, my facebook friends, my pictures, all the things that I’m hoarding) and to be more intentional about the things that pass the clutter cut (the things that matter most to me).  I pray that creating a heart for what really matters will help me to hug these days.

Jesus, help me to not take these times for granted.  Help me to hug these days tightly and to see Your hand in them always.  Help me to love You deeply and to love others well.  Help me to be all that You want for me to be.  Help me to make this the best year yet – I’m trusting you when you said that the best is yet to come.


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