there are very few things sweeter to my ears than a chorus of believers singing. specifically these days, that looks like BCM at school. this past thursday was the first BCM of this semester.
on that thursday, my floodgates opened. I cried and cried and cried. I bawled, even. and whenever I thought it was over, it only came back, stronger than the tears before.
sometimes, I hide from Jesus. on thursday, I realized that.
for the first time in over seven months, I said I forgive him. him is not Jesus, but the boy who has haunted me in the most interesting of ways for the last seven months. he, thankfully, hasn’t reached out to me. he hasn’t tried to check on me. I’m thankful for that because my heart, obviously, still couldn’t handle it.
let me be really real for a moment – I am as tired as you are of hearing me talk about him. I promise, I am 50 shades of over this season. I am beyond ready for the tears to quit, because really, how much can I cry? I am beyond ready for him to be forgotten because it is clear that he has forgotten me.
however, every time he comes around, it gets a little harder and a little easier. harder in that all that junk that I stuff away, like a monster under my bed, comes back out to play. Satan knows me well that way. he knows where I’m weak. it isn’t even so much about him anymore, but it’s about the anxiety of him, the rejection from him, the unworthiness I was for him. unhealthy and toxic are words that I’ve pinned to describe the twisted way I’ve made this season.
but this year, I declared that it’s ENOUGH of the sob story.
enough of crying. enough of hurting. enough of me not being enough. enough of me not feeling good enough. because the Lord says I am. the same spirit that lives in Him lives in me, so who says I am not good enough?
I forgive him. over and over and over, I said it. I said it when I felt good about it and when it was hard to say; it’s strange how those things both happened within the span of an hour. but they did. and I did. I said it because I realized that I hadn’t before. I chanted it in this tangled head of mine because I had to. like the missing piece of a puzzle, I had to forgive.
as hot tears ran down my cheeks, loving hands rubbed my back. sweet friends prayed out loud over music for me. they had no idea what sort of spiritual warfare was happening in my heart, but as I struggled, they decided to fight for me.
I talk about community a lot. since I’ve come to know Jesus, it’s become one of my favorite things in the entire world. I love the way it weaves and knits itself, looking vastly different from day-to-day and week-to-week.
community these days looks like those hands. it looks like sweet text messages that say “oh boy.” it’s look like friends preparing my heart for hard, seemingly impossible, things. it’s looked like grace when I’ve been more than faithless over the last year. it’s looked like forgiveness when I’ve been content to run quickly. it’s looked like patience as I learn how to be myself and how to be who Jesus wants me to be. it’s looked like hands held and hope raised and notes written and hugs given and hard questions asked and better things declared and grace upon grace upon grace extended.
community looks like a room of believers that believe in bigger, better, and best. a room full of believers that love Jesus and love me, even when I don’t really love myself. and though I was only one in a room of college students that came together on a random thursday night to say that yes, Jesus is enough for us, I have never felt so loved. I’ve never felt so vulnerably seen, but it was one of the best of feelings. it was the worst of nights, but somehow, the best of nights.
I guess this is a “thank you” tribute to my community. a thank you to the sweet friends that know me and see me and choose to love me anyway. I’m so thankful for those hearts.
and a thank you tribute to my sweet Jesus. the sweetest of them all, He gives the best of gifts. He gives me all these friends and all this love and makes sure that even when my heart gets not full, He fills it up. I’m abundantly thankful and abundantly blessed.