choosing rest + choosing to be seen

“he performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” job 5:9

Last week, I said the words, “I need a break from my life.”  and yesterday, classes were cancelled because of the weather.  it seems that Jesus gave me what I needed.  Jesus loves me.

“You have not forgotten us.”  what a novel thought.

a lot of my junk seems to be hitting the fan and I don’t know how to handle it.  I’ve prayed and asked and begged and gotten on my knees and waited for the Lord to move in the junk.  I’ve cried out to Him really loudly and I am just waiting to see if He really hears my heart. 

this morning, I sang, “You have not forgotten us.”  what a sweet thought.  that even in our wondering and wandering, the Lord would not forget us.  that He would continue to beat our hearts and continue to work His plan for us and continue to lead us.

I think I’ve been so frustrated and impatient because I feel forgotten. I feel that Jesus doesn’t really see me until I scream at Him. I feel that He doesn’t really know my heart because, if He did, He would fix all my junk. He would work it all out if He really knew me.

Jesus pleasantly (and not so pleasantly) reminded me that that is not the way that He works. that I am not known by how many times I pray that prayer, how hard I pray it, or how much I beg.    that I do not earn His blessings by asking enough.  that He loves me far more than that, and over and over, He works things out without me even asking.  how foolish of me is it to think that He could only work things out when I ask a bunch of times?

how easily I forget that He is a GOOD father that has GOOD things.  how easily I forget that He knows me and my heart before I know either.  how easily I ignore that He works in all things to His glory because He is the only one worthy between the two of us.

I don’t remember the last time that I trusted God.  haha.  that sounds silly.  but I really don’t remember the last time that I took Him at His word and really believed that He is who He says He is and that He really can and will do what He says He will.

I think that that’s what happens when you lose relationship with Him.  that’s what happens when you let yourself slip away.  it’s much more comfortable to sit in your brokenness because it’s what you know.  and friends, lately, I’ve made a bed in my brokenness and snuggled up close in it.

but that’s not what we’re made for and I refuse to believe that that is all that the Lord has.  let’s choose to believe that He is the God of immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine, not the God of “decent”.  let’s choose to take Him at His word.  let’s choose to rest in who He is because He chose us first.  I think that He’s waiting for us to do that.  He’s waiting for our hearts because He knows best.  He gets how good it’ll be.  He’s got it figured out.  even what the enemy means for evil, He turns it for our good.

for Lent, I’m giving up saying “I’m too busy”.  and I’m giving up schoolwork on Sundays.  Sabbath Sundays, let’s do those.  cause if I don’t designate a day, I’ll run myself into the ground day after day after day.  so I’m choosing rest.

and I’m choosing rest and to know that I am known and seen.  here’s to chanting that over myself every day.

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