growing up 

I cried tonight.

I sat in the middle of my bed, the middle of my mess of a room, the middle of my last week of junior year and cried.

Cried for the way things are. Cried for the words said and how brutally hard friendship can be. Cried for the way the three years before have flown by and how there’s only one left. Cried for the stress that I’ve clung to for the last nine months, the last two semesters. Cried for the hurt I feel over having to accept change, the love I feel over these last days, and the feelings I can’t escape.
Friendship is a tricky thing. I didn’t realize how tricky it was until it became so hard to love some and so easy to love others. It hangs in the hands of time and loss and moving on. Growing up is tricky as well. I haven’t mastered either.
I’m not ready to move on. I’m so over this semester, yet I cannot handle the idea of leaving it. I can’t accept the fact that my life will look very different, different than I’ve ever known, over the next two years or so. That in those years, I’ll move (three times in the next six months ), I’ll take 35 hours, I’ll make videos, write papers, and take tests, I’ll go on some trips, then I’ll graduate. I’ll walk across a stage, though I feel like only a couple months ago, I walked across a similar stage in similar attire. And then, I’ll be off into the real world, doing real things, being a big girl.
My heart breaks for the change and the changes. It breaks for the way it stings to grow up. It stings, does that makes sense? I’m not sure it does, but it feels that way.
I cried tonight. And louder than ever, I cried out to the Lord. Cried for Him to bring peace like only He can, cried for Him to right things like only He does, cried for wisdom that only He can supply. I wept at the throne.
Maybe it’s all a temper tantrum, haha. Maybe that’s all the tears. It feels like a tantrum in my heart – one caught between “I want it my way” and “I really just need you to be enough and not make me need it my way.”
I think that’s right where He wants us. Weeping and yearning and so desperately needing. He’s got me right where He wants me, that trickster.
Here I am. And here’s my heart because I can’t control it, hah. Here’s me showing my face again and begging to see His.
lacing my fingers through yours,

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