I was over it today.
I was over work, over doing mindless little things, over feeling lonely in Anderson, over working a 9-4 (9-3 today, but still), over not having groceries, over the office being so cold, over not feeling appreciated enough, over it all. I was, and you can see proof of this on my snapchat – brenna527, counting down the minutes until 3pm when my day was over. all of my sin had bubbled up and I was over it.
after work, I got in my scorching car (seriously? it’s 104 degrees before the heat index. how is a girl supposed to deal) and drove to target because those red aisles seriously sooth me. I found the picture frames I was looking for, used coupons and ended up with $2 off (seriously the Lord is faithful) and got back into my scorching car. I hooked my phone up because country radio wasn’t cutting it and I turned it on shuffle.
as the familiar chords started, I drove out of the parking lot. I decided that I needed an venti iced coffee (always) and got in the lane to take a left. as I sat at the light, the song continued. I’ve heard it a bunch of times and I was humming along.
one of my favorite parts was coming. that part where he reads hebrews 12. I sorta knew the words – since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off all that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame and set down at the right hand of the Father. consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful man so that you may not grow weary and lose heart.
I knew a lot more of it than I thought I did. but somehow, I had never heard it like I did today. as I said it from memory, the tears rolled. as I thought of the “joy” set before Him. that He would consider it joy to die for me. that He would take the cross so that I would not grow weary.
friends, I am weary. if you couldn’t already tell, I’m over it.
more than any of the other things I’m over, I’m over my sin. in this season of loneliness, I feel my sin biggest. now, those are money and boys. almost always, its money and boys, hah. I’ve been sort of chanting this thing when I lay down each night – I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God. it’s become my mantra, my victory flag. it keeps me from texting that old, old boy. it soothes me from the fear I feel over the absolutely guilty way that I spend money. it keeps my brain from going and going and going because sometimes you just need to remember that fear is not your name. that He calls you love, child, His.
to realize that He endured the cross so that we would not have to be weary of our sin – of all the useless things we buy or of all the unholy thoughts we have or of all the need for validation that lies in us or of all the stress that presses deep on our chest and leaves us tossing and turning at night – that He would endure for all those little things to make us not weary is earth shattering. like a light switch, I realized – oh yeah. I’m not supposed to let these things claim victory over me. I am love. I am a child. I am His.
I say it always begins with identity. that before we can climb from our pits, we must realize what exactly we are. that thing, the stages of grief – first is denial, then its anger, then its acceptance. anger lately has looked numb and exhausted; to quote myself, “over it”. but acceptance, oh, acceptance is seeing your identity.
and sometimes that’s all it takes. so let me throw off this period of grieving, this loneliness, this feeling lost. because maybe He’s not so far away after all and maybe I’m not as lost as I think.
who, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. let us consider Him who endured such opposition so that we would not grow weary and lose heart.
He calls me His and it begins and ends there.