standing still

that maybe, just maybe, if I am bold enough and I can learn to take risks in obedience to the Lord, He’ll use it. that He’ll bless it. that I will see Him as the good, good Father that He is in a way that I have never known. that I could see Him in a whole new light if I would trust Him enough to step up to the ledge to watch Him make me soar.

these have been my thoughts lately. I’ve been thinking a lot (like enough that I was pretty depressed for a little while and seriously thought I needed to up my anxiety/depression med dosage bc ya gurl was struggling) lately about what happens after graduation. I have been spinning myself out of control. I didn’t realize I was quite the controller that I am until I understood I don’t have much control of what the Lord will decide to use me for.

I’ve been frustrated with myself and with the Lord that after 4 majors and a whole lifetime of “what will you be when you grow up”, I haven’t gotten it yet. I haven’t arrived upon any grand plans or schemes or arrangements that will I feel will fulfill me. that, after all this time, I still don’t know what is next for me and that I still don’t trust the Lord enough to call me to what is next for me. it’s a weird dilemma – caught between “I don’t know and I have no choice but to trust You and trust that You are who You say You are and that Your promises for me are good” and “yeah, I wanna trust You, but I don’t and I need to but I can’t and I’d love to but my desire for control is, boy, it’s deep and I crave it and I spin and spin until I find it.”

day-by-day it seems, the Lord is calling me to this day. that’s no new thing for me, as I am often called to rest here rather than to spin, spin, spin in and of the months to come. that if I can wake up each day with enough faith for just this day, then maybe I can learn to trust Him enough to take all my days and do His will. day-by-day, if I can get through today, them maybe I won’t need to see what tomorrow holds. because I trust in what I do not see, not what I do see. maybe I can get there if I just trust the unseen today.

so I’m trying. I’m fighting hard for the rest of this day. I’m championing hard for the grace that is for me here, for the season that is now, and for the new mercies of this day.  for the control-seeker and hoarder that I am, I haven’t quite figured it out, but maybe I could and maybe He could help me.

one of my favorite bloggers would say it this way – “I don’t know what you’re dreaming about. I don’t know what keeps you up at night, heart beating fast and mind racing with thoughts of what God might do with it. But I know that if He spoke it, there’s reason for you to keep believing. There’s reason for you to carry and grow and nurture that dream and destiny until the day He decides it’s time for its birth. And maybe you’re like Noah, building an ark in the desert and everyone around you thinks you’re nuts. But if God said so, then that flood is coming. And sister, you better be ready when it does.”

but I know that if He spoke it, there’s reason for you to keep believing. so yes, here we are, continuing to believe that this thing is worth believing. that the spoken words of God will come to fruition. God, write that on my heart. because I think I’ve written a lot of things and they don’t all point to trusting You, but that is one that I’d like to believe and to know and to trust. help me to do that today and in all the todays. help me to find grace for today and to believe that You’ll handle all the details of tomorrow. stop my spinning and let me stand still.

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