1. I wake up in the morning, and the weight of the day is already present. it is on me something heavy. I feel the weight of things not done, clothes not folded, a carpet not vacuumed, a Bible unopened.
“guilt” is not a familiar emotion to me, but like bug bite in the summertime, she is here for this season. she moves in quick, before I can even call her a name, and it has felt like the waters are rising. with each day, there is something new for her to boast about – not enough money in my savings, a little bit behind on rent, wishing my dog would leave me alone.
2. “Brenna, you are so talented. I wish I could write like that.” she’s only saying that, it’s courtesy. this isn’t genuine. “thank you, that’s sweet.” my answer is as quick as my brush pen strokes the paper before me.
I don’t know when I stopped believing people. I think it was sometime over the last year or so. I think loneliness and pressure and self doubt (aka all the things since graduation) are quick to whisper lies. they are quick to make me feel that even the smallest of comments in all the things that make me the girl that I am are false and only said, not meant.
3. Ashley asked me what I am believing about the Lord that makes me feel so much guilt. I don’t know that I am believing anything wrong about Him, but rather, not believing any word He says. a good Father that gives grace? sounds great, but I can’t feel that for myself. peace? and forgiveness? and shameless? I know that to be true, but the pressure of this season has made me feel anything but.
I think they’re all related. the guilt and shame I’m feeling, the disbelief of the words of my best cheerleaders, the literally life-giving promises of a God that promises to never leave me or forsake me, no matter how off and unhinged and messed up I get.
I know that I am not really those things. and I know that I am way more critical on myself than anyone else. but when you listen to what the world shouts rather than what the sweet Father whispers, I am with you I call you Mine I went to the end of the earth to call you Home, it is easy to believe the world. it is easy to feel that I am so behind on where I should be as an adult.
postgrad blues is a real thing. and I promised that I would never use that phrase because I would seamlessly and flawlessly move into this adult phase (LOL) but here I am, feeling it. feeling it like a summertime bug bite.
so what am I doing about it?
I’m naming it. I’m calling her guilt, even though I’ve never known her before. I’m naming the lies that I’ve bought into. I’m naming the reflex to just say thank you and move on. I’m naming my identity what the Father calls me, not what I call myself.
I’m seeking. how ironic and fitting that the Lord would lead me to a 2017 word like seek when I would, more than ever, feel the tendency to chase after the world. it’s almost comedic.
I’m depending. like my life depends on it, I am depending. my story is not full of butterflies and sunshine, but I have never felt the weight of waking up and completely and totally needing the Father to sustain me. I know that my sins are forgiven and I know that grace and peace and joy are mine for the having only because the Lord came to me, but I have never woken up with my first thought being Jesus, You have to sustain me today. You have to. and yet, I’m waking and asking and believing and depending on Him to do it.
Jesus, make me the girl that would hold tight your promises, locked away in this heart of mine. give me hands to grip the truth that you speak, not the lies I tell myself. make me the girl that trusts that my story is already written and that no right or wrong thing that I do will change that. make me the girl that would be sold out to the life You give. give me hands to feel you. make me the girl that would rest in the truth.